Worth the Cost

Luke 14:25-33

“Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple.” It’s not the only time Jesus says something like this in the Gospels, but it is maybe the most direct. I once led a Bible Study with a women’s group in which several of the women present felt very strongly that the word Hate and the feeling of hatred were antithetical to Christianity and should be avoided at all costs. You may agree with them. So what do we do with Hatred when God is the one commanding it? How do we reconcile our belief in a God of Love with these words of Jesus?

I can tell you that the answer is not to skip it, or to say “That’s not my Jesus” and move on. Our Lord was not one to waste words, and the people who heard him worked very hard and in many cases risked their lives to ensure that we would hear him too. When Scripture tells us something that prickles, that makes us nervous, or leaves us confused, it is an invitation by the Holy Spirit to take part in the ancient art of Israel- of striving with God.

It is first important to point out that Jesus loved his mom. We know this because they remained in relationship with one another throughout his life and ministry, and she was present with him until the bitter end. With his dying breaths, Jesus made arrangements for the care of his mother, asking his friend to treat her as his own. That is not the act of someone who hates his mother.

We also know that Jesus loved his disciples and claimed them as his siblings. Some of them may have even been his actual half siblings. He freed his friends from the bondage of illness, he provided for them when food was scarce, he empowered them to preach and teach and heal. These are not the acts of someone who hates his brothers and sisters.

So why would Jesus say something so harsh, seemingly so out of character? “Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes and even life itself, cannot be my disciple.” For some clarity, we are going to look to a preacher who worked very hard to understand Jesus, and to help others understand him and follow him faithfully. For all his faults and human frailties, Paul lived this teaching of Jesus with his entire being, all the way into his martyrdom.

We know relatively little about the circumstances surrounding the letter to Philemon beyond the words on the page. What we do know is that the subject, Onesimus, is a person in bondage, likely to pay off a debt, and he is in need of intercession. Scholars speculate that Onesimus may have run away from his enslaver’s household and come to Paul as a refugee, possibly also stealing something of value to finance his escape. Paul seems very convinced of Onesimus’s worthiness, and implores Philemon to have mercy on the newly converted man and to receive him as a brother in Christ.

The language Paul uses from the very beginning of his letter is the language of familial love, of affection. The translation tells us that Paul addresses Philemon as a dear friend and co-worker, but to our ears that doesn’t capture the full depth of the sentiment. Paul calls Philemon a beloved friend and co-laborer, an equal who is laboring alongside him in the work of the Gospel harvest. Paul addresses Apphia and Archippus, members of Philemon’s household, as sister and fellow soldier, terms of endearment that go deeper than any greeting card pleasantry. These are people Paul loves, and whom he thanks God for every day. Philemon is a landowner, with a household big enough to accommodate a house church. Paul speaks to him as one pastor to another, a mentor encouraging a new leader in the church. Paul’s pride in Philemon’s work is that of a parent’s joy at their child’s accomplishments, and it radiates from the page.

With that same love and joy, Paul informs his audience that Onesimus, once a slave in Philemon’s house, has been converted and become a Christian. Paul claims him as a son and as a brother, the same words he uses to describe Philemon. The enslaved Onesimus is no longer a slave, but a brother, an equal to the apostle Paul and the church leader Philemon. In this letter, Paul is asking Philemon to do something countercultural, something against his own interests. Philemon has the legal right to reclaim his servant and to punish him for not fulfilling his role. Philemon has mouths to feed and a household to run and an entire congregation of Christians counting on him for the continuation of their community, and likely saw real financial consequences after losing Onesimus’s labor. Paul is asking Philemon to forgive both a financial debt and a social one by receiving Onesimus back into his household. And he must do this, Paul says, freely and with love.

Paul understands, and is trying to gently teach Philemon, what Jesus taught about the family of God. Jesus was never interested in what we might call the “nuclear family.” In his culture, and in many ways continuing in our culture today, family ties were financial and social obligations, possessions. Matters of inheritance, land ownership, even marriage were determined by heritage. But Jesus tells his listeners that none of them can become disciples if they do not give up all their possessions. This includes their perceptions of possession, of ownership, over their own families. Jesus understands that to be fully free to follow him, his friends must first be willing to lose their worldly definitions of family.

The family of God is a chosen family, a family born not by blood but by the waters of baptism. The obligations of this family expand beyond “Me and Mine” to include the entire human family, the whole creation and everything in it. When a Christian says “family first,” that family is bigger than their household or their family tree. It includes these things, surely. Jesus is very clear elsewhere about the responsibilities of parents to their children and spouses to their partners. But to know one another as beloved siblings of God is to know that we are all equals, fully free and fully belonging to one another.

In baptism, the world’s definitions wash away, and we become redefined in Christ. This is the lesson Paul is trying to teach Philemon, and the context for Jesus’s harsh words. When we let go of who the world tells us we are to each other, we can see that in truth we are so much more. The world and the government told Philemon that Onesimus belonged to him. Paul reminds us that in Christ, there is no distinction between classes, genders, or ethnicities. The world and the culture told Jesus’s audience that their wives and their children and their elders belonged to them and were theirs to take or leave. Jesus insists that the family of God knows no bounds, no hierarchies nor patriarchies. This is the cost of following Jesus. Before we build, we take stock of what we have and if we will be able to finish the project. Before we enter a conflict, we make sure we have the manpower to survive and succeed. And before we call ourselves followers of Jesus, we have to be willing to give up all our possessions, including all that possesses us. We have to count the cost of treating one another as equals, knowing some relationships might be lost or changed along the way. We have to know that sometimes, we will have to give up what the world says is rightfully ours. We will have to forgive debts willingly, with love and reconciliation and generosity. We will learn that the things that give us status- our wealth, our properties, our career, our family name, our appearance, our citizenship- mean nothing in the kingdom of God. In Christ, we are siblings in one family, equals and co-laborers. It is not always easy to live together this way. But I’m with Paul on this one. It is always worth the cost.